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One liner jokes

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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008   Topic Views : 10040   Post subject: One liner jokes Reply with quote

A one-liner is a joke that is delivered in a single line. Many comedians have adopted this comedic method in their act. Some, including Rodney Dangerfield, Steven Wright, Emo Philips, Henny Youngman, Mitch Hedberg, Dan Mintz, Zach Galifianakis, Demetri Martin, and Jimmy Carr have used one-liners to make up a significant portion of their repertoire.

Examples
* "I have nothing to declare except my genius." (Oscar Wilde, upon arriving at US customs 1882)
* "Race is just a pigment of the imagination" (Ben Harland)
* "If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised." (Dorothy Parker, on girls attending a Yale prom)
* "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." (Groucho Marx)
* "Take my wife – please!" (Henny Youngman)
* "If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." (Rodney Dangerfield)
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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

Few One Liners
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

Few More
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?



Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!



How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!



***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!



Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H



FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.



Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.



Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!



Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!



I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!



Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!



HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?



This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you



Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.



A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone



Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!



I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!



Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.



I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.



How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.



Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...



U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY Smile



I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!



On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.



The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.



Nope.....u still ugly!
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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

Try Laughing on these Very Happy
Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.



What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.



Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'



Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.



I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.



How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.



How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!



It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.



Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

Some more one liners
You are here: X



Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.



In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.



Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?



Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!



Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.



Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.



What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.



Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?



Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'



Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"



Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!



Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!



I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!



Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!



When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....



U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!



Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.



Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

I found them good, check them out
Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.



I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.



I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.



The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.



There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.



Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.



You may be recognized soon. Hide.



Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.



He who laughs last thinks slowest.



Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.



I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.



Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???



Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
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saagar
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

Last Collection, thnx for tolerating me... Very Happy
n reading all jokes....

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch



If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me



Mind intentionally left blank...



I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem



Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.



Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.



If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.



Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.



If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?



The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.



It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.



Born Free........Taxed to Death.



We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found



I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.



Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.



My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.



Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...



Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.



What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'



Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
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srabon
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PostPosted: Sep 18, 2008     Post subject: Reply with quote

Hah..........hah..........ha........
Thats interesting........
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